Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.