In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.