*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
You have been warned.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.