My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
no one likes gloating
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.