Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?