I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.