Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one