bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Cha-ching is my safe word
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum