5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.