Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
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[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.