I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.