“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.