*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…