I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
You Might Also Like
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.