I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower