Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator