Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.