Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.