GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
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I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.