This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Somebody call the cops.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The pasta is now
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”