If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
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sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.