I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Anime is real
Straight people are cancelled
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.