Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve