I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?