It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
They got a point!
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket