[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
You Might Also Like
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
inventing words: clothing
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic