me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Battery falling down a hole
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this