Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
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Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.