Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
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when mom throws a party…
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?