wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.