Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.