Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
fr
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.