lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
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Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”