Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
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Thanks to a fan for this one.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
#oldknees
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
This dude got his own movie?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
So glad we cleared that up
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that