Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*puts words between two asterisks*
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.