Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
they really do be looking like this
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today