Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
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I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?