I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.