[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
You Might Also Like
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
There is wisdom there.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Denise please return my vape pen
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…