Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
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Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
This kid is a star!
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.