*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The Compass
Haha good job!!
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.