Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
You Might Also Like
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
guys i’ve cracked the code
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you