‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.