BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
somebody come look at this
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.