Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
You Might Also Like
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
How to draw a duck
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
can’t catch a break
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
He took my last fry, your honor
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today