me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long