Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.