There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
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#growingpains
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?