My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.