Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
You Might Also Like
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes